Mop-Up RAW 11.27.00
By Hyatte
Mop-Up RAW
Hello, hello, hello... I'm The King and this is a fresh Mop-Up. I wanted a break last week, so I gave myself a break. Problem?
Didn't think so. Okay, lots of great stuff to do for the openers... oh yeah, LOTS of ball breaking on two certain Web Guys. I'm very excited. Let's get to it... it'll be a BLAST, man!
Okay, plugs first... to whet your appetites for the sequel coming this Christmas, I'm re-posting my infamous WWJD And Another Thing article. This first appeared on CRZ's site a year ago, because SCOOPS wouldn't touch it. Since Slash is a low key/low profile site, I'm banking that quite a few of you have never seen it before. Mark Madden did, though. He read it and totally ripped the idea off for a Wrestleline article. Then, the fat prick didn't even have the balls to take credit for it. So, here it is again. I think you'll like it.
This week's closer is called, In Case You Didn't Know. Just some cool stuff you should know to make your life a little easier. Light stuff... informative, but light.
Moving on... be sure to start bookmarking AND visiting a1wrestling.com. Because they hate Bob Ryder, they have good columns/articles, and they have a way cool feature where they tell YOU what other big sites are featuring (and look at the bottom of the left side of the page and you'll see ME), and it WILL piss off Scaia to no end that he went out of his way to plug the site two weeks back week and now he sees that I'm associated with it. Oh, but I'm not done yet with ol' Dicky this week. Not by a long shot.
Okay, NOW we're gonna have some FUN. Recently, Randazzo from the Wrestling Uncensored site (mostly filled with rip-offs of me who use the F word a lot) had a HUGE interview with Bob Barnett, who is Vampiro's lawyer. The interview was a total and complete shoot on just about EVERYTHING WCW. It was a great read.
BUT... the best thing about it was that Barnett totally crapped all over BOB RYDER!!! YEEEAAH!!! So, before I link up the full interview to you, I thought I'd lick your cranks a bit by offering up some CHOICE comments from Barnett aimed directly at Old Bob. Check this juicy stuff out...
#1 I've had my problems in the past with Scherer, but it's not that big of deal with Scherer....it's Ryder. Ryder is just a piece of garbage, a piece of garbage. He's a liar, he's got no credibility, he's a kiss-ass.
#2 I do know Goldberg (in hating his guts) is not alone. Everybody knows he's a stooge and a kissass. I mean the show...WCW Live...is just an abomination. He talks like a psychopath in a monotone. He knows nothing. (On the show)... he was attacking Meltzer for not confirming the Van Dam story even though he did the same thing with the Vampiro story. He reported that I told Vamp to quit even though he never asked me, never asked Vamp. All he could do is tag me for selling videotapes. He's a disgusting human being, he's just a piece of garbage.
#3 He's always been jealous of me being friends with Vampiro, and I think he has some sexual hang-ups...you know, you can read into that what you want. He's just a mess, just a mess.
#4 Brad Siegel is garbage, he knows nothing about wrestling, he shouldn't be anywhere near the company. And, when Vamp got whacked, not a phone call from him, nothing! And when I attacked Ryder last week, you know Ryder, the kissass friend of everybody, who was trying to say him and Borash put over Vamp on the show, trying to say him and Borash put over Vamp. He claims that he called Vamp three times and never got a call back, but that's just a total lie, Vamp and his wife both deny getting a single call. It's just more asslicking from Ryder, his tongue is so long he could be in the woods and you'd still be able to see him.
#5 It's the weirdest business! It's a business built all on a lie, and as they start believing their image their whole life becomes a lie. It's that way with Ryder, Ryder thinks he's a journalist! I mean look at him, he thinks he's a radio broadcaster! Look at that guy, he can't break a story, he can't tell the truth. I like listening to him every once in a while on WCW Live because he just drones, he just talks like this (does Ryder impression) "Well, we'll just have to see how this plays out." That's all he does when you ask him a tough question.
For the FULL interview, go right here. Unless the link up isn't working... then just go to xwrestling.com and give it a whirl. It's a great piece.
FINALLY... during my week off, Scaia cracked and showed that not only am I getting under his skin, but I am driving the little Homo completely nuts. During his usual washing of Zimmerman's bunghole with his never-tasted-vag tongue... Rick went on a longish discourse about how he is NOT an Internet Genius and how he is really just a fan... like you. It was a great line of bullshit. So great that I damn near banged out an EMERGENCY SMACKDOWN MOP-UP last week JUST so I could tear into it. But, cooler heads prevailed and a patiently bided my time until now. So sit back and relax as a dissect his Dickyness and once again show what a tremendous douchebag he really is.
Okay, so after stroking CRZ up for a one or two sentence comment about how... how... oh who knows? It's Zimmerman. He never makes sense. Rick had this to say...
-It's more the stuff about "smarks" and how self-important we can sometimes get as a sub-culture. It's all stuff I've been thinking for a long time, but which only comes out in small pieces and between the lines, cuz lord knows the New Scaia is a watered down, spineless patsy who's just doing his best not to upset anyone.
Of course, Dickface WROTE THE BOOK on self-importance. I've got news for you newbies who weren't around when it was just Rick sucking off Alex Marvez and John Petrie in his "News From Dayton" site... he was ALWAYS a "watered down, spineless patsy". He never took a side. He never weighed a real opinion. He was the exact same butthole he is now. Oh, he once called Bob Ryder an "Internet Wrestling Guru". Yes, he did.
Luke Johnston once told me that Rick confessed to him that he really didn't like being "restrained" by Wrestleline and how he admitted to sort of sucking now. Luke asked me if this fact would change my opinion about him. Oh yeah, the guy who left a high profile, well paying gig at SCOOPS so he could be himself would REALLY respect someone who DIDN'T HAVE THE BALLS to do the same? Yeah, F-ing RIGHT.
-Just cuz I'm not writing it down doesn't stop me from thinking it, though. And don't assume I'm trying to call anybody on the carpet or anything, you shouldn't. Much as anything, I need to see stuff like what CRZ was doing to keep MYSELF honest, too. We're all in this together, and I'll be happy with my place in the grand scheme if I can remember to keep coming across as a fan, not as a guy who is more interested in labeling himself an important cog in the industry.
Consider that mission a total FAILURE, ASSFACE!!!! FOR THE LAST 2 YEARS YOU HAVE BEEN SCREAMING ABOUT HOW IMPORTANT A COG IN THE INDUSTRY YOU ARE!!! And say, if CRZ is so great, why don't you PAY HIM? Did you guys know that CRZ does all his recapping work for FREE?? Rick and Mike get paid, I assume... but Samuda shows up with something once every 6 weeks. Who the HELL goes to WL for Scaia? Who the F**K goes there for the other loser writers?? No, if you go to WL, you go for CRZ. Yet, Rick, who supposingly LOVES the guy, doesn't pay him dime one. I guess in Rick's head, just getting a mention in his "I'm just a fan" column is payment enough.
And if you were so HONEST... then why lie about those 5000 "Ask the Rick" questions you bragged about? Why haven't you posted a picture of you watching all those PPV's with your "buddies" like I demanded well over a year ago?
-Sometimes it's a sharply worded e-mail from a reader that can get me focused on that track, sometimes it's a quality piece of work from CRZ.
Then pay him, asshole.
-I mean, there's nothing wrong with having strong opinions, with taking some pride in being ahead of the curve in noticing certain things, or with just being confident that you've got a good head for this business. But it should all be through the filter of being a fan.
You're opinions are weak and muddled ("I would say that Russo lambasting on Hogan was all a work, but it might be a shoot, so I don't know!").
It's easy to be "ahead of the curve"... all you have to do is LIE and claim that you wrote about someone deserving a push months before the push actually happens. It's a snap. Nobody remembers Rick's boring ass columns anyway. Rick can claim that he predicted a year ago that Florida would screw up the election tallies and nobody will really be able to call him on it.
-Afterall, wasn't there some odd little sidebar to the whole WWF/WCW/Razor Ramon/Diesel lawsuit in which a judge essentially ruled that people who wrote about pro wrestling were NOT real journalists?
No, you stupid imbecile... the Judge said that Mark Madden MUST reveal his 'sources" because MARK MADDEN is not a "real journalist". He was a Hotline reporter DEEP in WCW's pocket. Nice try twisting the truth... AGAIN.
Peckerbrain. You suck. I hate you. I hope you die.
And yes, I am aware of the possibility that he wrote this totally expecting me to blow up. Well, I invite him to keep it up. Because I will NOT stop. I LOVE this. This is my heroin. Ragging out on the Internet Morons who think they are above reproach simply because they've been online since the days of rspw and now only consider those who were around way back when as contemporaries. Well, welcome to the New Era, F-heads. I MOVED RIGHT IN AND PISSED ALL OVER YOUR LITTLE GARDEN OF EDEN HERE!!!!
Jesus... long ass opener... but WORTH IT!!!!!
Later today, I'm going to go see Unbreakable. Next week, I will ruin the ending for you. I do this because I am a prick. You now have one week to see the movie before I wreck everything. PFFFFFFFTH
Okay, let's get to it.
RAW IS WAR (or: HHH died, then got better)
-video footage shows us that Austin really didn't want to tag with Jericho... but the WHITE MAN forced him. Look closely and you can see Austin whispering to Jericho, "No there will NOT be a 'Hollywood Blondes 2000' revival!!"
-Austin is OUT OF CONTROL!!!! He keeps up this attitude, Don Johnson will NEVER bring Jake Cage back!! (which... really... isn't the worst possible thing that could happen to him)
-opening theme
-Fireworks explode. Fans do too. At least one wrestling show on Monday night remembered to plug in their upper seating lights. (HAW!!!)
-Ross points out one of life's little "yin/yang" moments by pointing out that it's a "cold November night" in Iowa on the Iowa State Campus, yet it's a RED HOT EDITION of WWF RAW. (Although one can safely say that the "red" part is questionable now)
-WWF New York hasn't closed down by the Health Inspector yet either.
-Big sign that reads, "I Still Remember Owen" (who?)
-kicking things off, we get us an appearance from Kurt Angle... because as much as they resist, the WWF just LOVES THEIR 20 MINUTE MONOLOGUES!!!!!
-Kurt scoops up the mic and has a question for the fans. (YES! The receding hairline is noticeable)
-When those Iowains are out on their jobs, growing corn or milking cows, or whatever they do out there... are they in danger of someone brutally attacking them just because they can? (Hell, in the Mid-West, it's called a Honeymoon)
-Angle's point was that in HIS job, that being a WWF Superstar, not only is being attacked like that, along with various family and friends, is not only smiled upon... but it's encouraged... and even rewarded!! (and... if you're an XFL cheerleader... you are required to DESCRIBE IT IN FULL DETAIL, AFTERWARDS!!! )
-you know... I'm all for the degradation of women and all that... but ordering the Cheerleaders to essentially F**K the maniac football players then talking about it on camera is PUUUUSHING it!
-and on a related note... Hey, Minnesota... Jesse is giving you folks a little fame for the first time ever... lighten up and ENJOY IT. Or do you WANT Minnesota to be famous for those dopey "Fargo" accents?
-Angle said that recent acts committed by the UT, Austin, and HHH only serve to PROVE his point... that being... hmmm... err.. I do not know... Patterson's a swish?
-NO... no.. (well... yeah, but) NO... Kurt's point is that Austin stunning the Ref last week would be a scandal if it happened in any other sport... (the funny thing is, in the XFL, the Referees are ALSO encouraged to date the players and talk about their wild assplay on live TV... now, I have to wonder just WHO in the McMahon camp dreamt up THAT little idea?)
-Angle, for one, has HAD IT... people see him as a "sports entertainer"... but he sees himself as a WRESTLER. (then, there are the unwashed masses who see him as "the champ who never wins")
-He did NOT sign up with the WWF to get attacked, to see his brother get attacked, to witness a hit and run, OR a "fork licked of taft"... (??Huzza? referencing the used silverware of an obscure President? What THE Hell?)
-oh... fork LIFT attack. Ahh. Umm... what's so traumatic about seeing a fork with a tack on it?
-oh brother. Maybe Scaia rules and *I'M* the one who sucks?
-maybe we both suck?
-screw it... EVERYONE ON THE NET SUCKS!!!!!! INCLUDING YOU, YOU, YOU,YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU, YOU...YEAH..YOU, YOU, YOU,YOU,YOU, NO, NOT YOU.. YOU... YOU, YOU,YOU,YOU, AND OF COURSE, RYDER.
-In fact, it's all possible that the only one who really NEVER sucked was... SEAN!!!!!
-Angle's whole deal is that in two weeks or so, the new WWF PPV will roll on through (Lordy... it never ends, does it... just one after the other, after the other)... and, if things don't shape up round these parts... Kurt may very well just spend the PPV at home. So there!
-This, of course, brings out Commissioner Mick Foley and Lieutenant Commissioner Debra (or... Ms. Bullshit-Position-To-Keep-Bald-Money-Maker-Husband-Content). Ross reminds us that Foley's paperback is on sale. (I read it... the new chapter isn't worth buying it if you have the hardcover, but on the whole, if you excuse the few times he randomly jumps from anecdote to anecdote without warning or pacing, is a damn fine yarn. Although he doesn't exactly talk about it, you get the sense that there is some real animosity from him towards the Rock... even going so far as to say that during his last Wrestlemania match, he refused to sell to one of the participants because of "philosophical differences")
-The Commishes hit the ring. If Debra's top dipped any further South... and I'm talking MILLIMETERS we'd get bonafide nipple.
-and if her skirt crawled any further NORTH... and I'm talking CENTIMETERS... we'd get bonafide VAG!!!!!
-Mick had the mic, and told Angle that against all odds, he and Miss Debra were in total agreement with Kurt. Things have gotten "totally" out of hand here in the WWF. (Yeah! I mean, come on... STEPHANIE????)
-Actually, I have yet to hear a decent argument as to WHY she would make a horrible script writer? She's been in the business since BIRTH... she obviously loves AND needs AND knows the business inside and out...
-oh... right... because she's a GIRL... THAT'S why the Internet can't stand the thought of her as head booker... Girls can't book WRESTLING... only MEN can!
-Here's a little fact for y'all to chew on... this girl probably knows more about the business than Meltzer, Keller, Ryder, Madden, Scherer, Russo, Bischoff, AND Siegal combined... okay?
-I'm not saying she's doing a bang-up job... (K Kwick????), I'm just saying she has every right to be ASSIGNED the job.
-Mick says that Angle's right about the Referees... they shouldn't be manhandled like that. (but what if they LIKE it? And whatever did happen to that chick Ref from way back?)
-Debra whispers something in Mick's ear... sources close to the company (well, Chris Williams) told me that she said, "Hurry up, Mick... my period just started and I forgot to pad up". (ugh... same shit happened to my Mom all the time. One minute, we're at the Mall loading up on new Dickies for me to wear to school, the next minute, she's thrusting her crotch out at hapless store clerks and hosing them down. (The bitch didn't just mense... she mensed with the THUNDER!!!). Luckily... I turned 16 the very next year and was able to go buy the Dickies on my own!
-Mick asked Angle how he had the NERVE to speak about Integrity when he has won a major portion of his matches with the aid of his Business Advisor Stephanie McMahon (and a POX on the moron who quickly nixed the whole "Angle/Steph/HHH Triangle"... which was probably Stephanie herself... which blows my whole "Give Steph a chance, you virgins" speech all to crap... f-ing WWF, maybe it's time to see if Russo's interested in coming back?)
-Kurt tells Mick that Stephanie hasn't been with him for over a month, and he's STILL the champ!! So there!
-See, having Stephanie in your corner is like people from Iowa having a computer... it takes a while to get them to download?? (*rimshot*)
-They both have slots to insert your floppies? (*drumroll... rimshot*)
-They're both so high maintenance you end up shooting out their face with a shotgun? (*gong by J.P. Morgan... big hook around your neck... yanked off stage*)
-Angle doesn't need Stephanie anymore... and he'll tell her so when she comes in.
-Mick says that's fine... but she and HHH just sent word that they are having traffic problems, so they probably won't be here tonight.
-Mick also said that there WILL be a WWF title match at Armageddon... and Kurt WILL be involved... just so long as he's WWF champ at the time.
-Angle says that of course he'll still be the champ... no matter WHO he faces... whether it be Rock or Rikishi (HUH??? Did I miss something here? Is someone skipping script pages?)... he will face them at.... (BIG moment where you can actually SEE Angle realize he jammed himself into a colossal F-up and doesn't have the slightest clue how to salvage things)... whatayacallit... Armageddon
-Foley chuckled (nervously... yet Mick's an old hand at improv... he'll save the day).
-Foley then announced that since Rikishi didn't use a sledgehammer on anyone last week, he's gonna put the big guy in a number 1 contenders match aginst the Rock tonight (oh man... Mick... I was counting on your savvy quickness. Aw Mick... I'm surprised at you.)
-HEY!!! I didn't hit anyone with a sledgehammer last week (unless you count my penis)... where's MY title shot?
-Someone turned off Angle's microphone... presumably before he gave away the ending to the Wrestlemania main event.
-Lawler... F-ing Lawler... brilliantly covered this mess as best he could with, "Kurt's way ahead of Foley, he knew that already!" (God Bless the King... he knew this was beyond repair, but tried anyway. This is a PRO, DAMMIT!!!!)
-Mick said that these fine people in Iowa did not roll off their daughters a few hours early just to come to a show that did NOT feature a WWF title match... oh no... they are getting their full money's worth tonight. Oh no... there WILL be a WWF title match... and it's none of his damn beeswax as to whom it may be.
-One last cheap pop from the crowd after Foley referenced their town and we are out.
-We are flitted off to the outside area where a BLACK LIMO pulls up and out steps the Rock. More flitting ensues as WE are shoved out to be subjected to the night's first batch of probably about to yank themselves off WWF air...
-commercials (ugh... the worst seque ever for me)
-Is the Sims any good? Is there anyone out there who owns the game that HASN'T programmed some horrific incest or rape or murder storyline yet?
-Edge and Christian both agree that Pepsi bottled in the year 2000 is the surpeme ruler of all beverages carbonated (Pepsi sucks... it's Coke with just a few extra sugar cubes)
-Angle shows up. Both men congratulated him on a killer interview (well, he damn sure almost killed it)... Christian said Kurt "rocked the party that rocked the body"...
-Angle bitched about how he has to fight someone tonight, but has no clue who. Aside from the obvious, E & C went over who else might be suitably pissed. There's Hardcore Holly... who had a busted arm thanks to Angle that he never properly apologized for, (Angle insisted the card was lost in the mail)
-There was the time Angle thought Essa Rios was the Valet and told him to get his car? Angle pointed out that he needed the work.
-Then Christian pointed out that the Undertaker just showed up on the monitor. The UT spat out a huge wad of chaw spit once he was fully facing the camera... which he was probably holding in UNTIL he got the full camera shot... because he is a FRAUD!!! And because he is a POSER!!!
-BY GOD!!! THOSE ARE FAKE TATTOOS TOO!!!!!! HE'S A TOTAL PHONY!!!!
-Edge says, "Holy Rematch", and figures that Kurt will be dealing with UT tonight.
-Angle... solemnly... "not if I can help it!" (sounds like trouble a brewin')
-Meanwhile T & A come out in full force. This shall be a big 6 person intergender tag team match.
-UPN "Smackdown" footage tells us WHY!! (although... it's not like... well... were you exactly DYING to know the reasoning behind this match-up?)
-The Holly brood come out... including Hardcore "The F**K happened to my push, anyway?" Holly.
-Big sign that reads, "Good Golly, Miss Molly"... grow up, marks
-Molly and Trish start it off. Trish starts off with a HUGE kick to... err... just a few inches North of her knee. (Lift that thing UP, Miss Fitness Chick!). Ironically, Stevie Ray would struggle to get HIS kicks up to the same level later on during his match with Steiner. (although I'm not too sure how that is exactly "ironic")
-Trish goes for a Monkey Flip. Molly flips head over feet and lands on her feet. She drop toe holds Trish, then does maybe the coolest variation of a simple move that I have ever seen...
-With Trish on her belly... (ANAL!!!), Molly twists her arm around, then drops down to the mat. She hops back up and repeats the trick. This Molly is the real deal, kids.
-Albert grabs her hair from behind and yanks her down (Daddy?) Trish tags in Test. Test relishes the opportunity to beat up a woman (heh, he must write for Wrestleline on the side... I know I'm beating the joke to death, but F-it, it's a personal favorite)
-Molly goes between the legs and scampers to the corner. Hardcore is tagged in. Test gets to work on him.
-Crash is tagged in... Albert is too. Alnbert punches Crash. Crash falls down hard (dare I say he Crashed?). Like a COMPLETE LUMMOX, he pops right back up, Albert repeats. Like a COMPLETE LUMMOX, he pops right back up. I start looking around for Agents... deja vu glitches like this can only mean nothing good.)
-Albert is stanbding over Crash and tries a standing fistdrop. He misses. He yelps. He drops his ass down hard. He misses again. He yelps. He goes for a big Double Underhook suplex. He hits. The camera blinks on and off... glitches galore. Meanwhile, all my windows are suddenly bricked up... AND I DON'T KNOW KUNG FU!!!!!
-There was a brief little free for all... which had everyone on the outside except for Hardcore and Albert.
-Hardcore dropkicked Albert and pinned him... off a simple dropkick. No fancy Mexican moves. No dazzling jap moves. Just a hell of a dropkick. I... I... I'm not quite sure how to react.
-Molly is a very pretty girl.
-Trish is one hot bitch
-To put it another way... I'd let Molly give me oral. I'd do Trish hard up the bum using only my spittle as lubricant.
-Speaking of getting nasty... I was at the girlfriend's pad last week... and I was walking around barefoot. I stepped on an errant piece of broken glass and it was a good size gash. Instead of weeping and sobbing, I used my razor sharp wit and brilliant comedic skills and broke out into a damn fine impression of Bruce Willis in Die Hard. She roared with laughter. Then she mended my wound and things got sweaty. Moral of the story: keep them amused and they'll let you do whatever you want to them.
-someday, I hope to introduce YOU to my razor sharp wit and brilliant comedic skills. Obviously, it ain't happening this week... but someday.
-Kurt Angle locates Kane somewhere in an eerily lit area. Angle proceeds to brown nose Kane by inviting him to the house for Christmas, where they can trim the tree or even light the Minora... whatever Kane's "thing" is... (Heeey? Is that GOLDBERG in a bad wig?)
-Surprisingly... Kane agrees to talk things over. Astonishingly, Jim Ross, who, at one time, wouldn't DARE act so dumb, actually wondered, "What's THIS about?" (Yeah... why would Kurt Angle... who just vowed to keep the Undertaker away from his title tonight... want to speak with Kane? Something is not connecting. What's the deal. We got point A and point C, but what's point B? How do we get the male flap into the female receptacle? GOSH DARN IT... I HATE IT WHEN THE WWF GETS SO F-ING EXISTENTIAL!!!
-commercials
-The Rock will be on "DAG" tonight (or last night, depending on when you read this). Someone tell these WWF Superstars that it's sometimes okay to actually turn DOWN a role. I mean, this was a PERFECT role for Goldberg... but not the Scorpion King
-Michael Cole gets to be berated by Rikishi. Kishi said that he's more interested in continueing to drop his load on Rocky's chest until such a time when he does NOT recover within 24 hours and show up the next night as fresh as a 12 year old girl's dealy. (ahhh, fresh lettuce).
-well... 9 year olds... these kids are starting so YOUNG these days
-The Undertaker is fooling around with his Bike. Kane lurches out and attacks him. Ross, "WHY THE HELL IS KANE DOING THIS??? I DON'T UNDERSTAND!!" (oh Jim... OH JIM!!! GODDAMMIT!!! WE TRUST YOU TO KEEP THINGS IN PERSPECTIVE!! WE TRUST YOU, DAMMIT!!!!!)
-Elsewhere, Angle and the Blonde kids snicker over the execution of this plan. Ross, "WHY ARE THEY SMILING??? WHAT DOES ANGLE HAVE TO DO WITH KANE ATTACKING THE UNDERTAKER???" (Is it me? Am I'm getting too damn old for this crap?)
-commercials
-moments ago... well, divert your eyes slightly northward. Ooops... now you're looking at the ceiling. Bring it down a bit... there you go... a bit more... and biiiiiiit more... suddenly, I'm wondering why I'm doing this. If your eyes are staring at your ceiling, then you can't be reading this.
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-... you know... I can actually FEEL you seriously consider quitting this column and sample other losers recappers for a change. It's okay. I understand. Go with my blessing.
-Billy Gunn beating Eddie Guererro for the IC title was lucky enough to become this week's Castrol GTX Slam of the week. It narrowly defeated the two full point SLAM this show took in the ratings last week. (The good news... those two points didn't run to Nitro either... actually, that's not all that good, is it?)
-Eddie Guerrero comes out
-The "One" Billy Gunn (gay name... GAYER theme music... and there ain't nothing macho about that haircut, either) came out. They wasted little time.
-Suddenly, Billy Gunn looks like a member of the Natural Born Thrillers
-Cut and dry match. Back and forth. Perfectly serviceable for those of you who watch this show for actual wrestling.
-Saturn ran out... and got beaned for his troubles (this crap almost NEVER happened to him in WCW... yet there is virtually NO chance that the WWF will make him dress up like a gay Ranger... so there is cosmic balance)
-Dean Malenko comes out and trips Gunn up. He attempts to distract the ref. Gunn catches a running Eddie (Heh... I gave Madden's Mom a "Running Eddie" the other night... bwahahahaaaa) and "Hotshots" him into Malenko. This was followed by a new finisher...think Cobra Clutch/Chokeslam hybrid... and a pin. I guess, in their never ending quest to cleanse the company of ANYTHING edgy, someone over there deemed the "Fameasser" as too "risque"... (gutless COWARDS!!!! WHAT HAPPENED TO THE WWF'S BALLS??)
-Benoit ran out. It's okay if Dean and Saturn get smacked around... but when all THREE of the Radicalz get their asses handed to them... well, then Benoit HAS to step in.
-Benoit climbed the top rope. Ross wondered why. Even Lawler had to comment on what's WRONG with Jim this week.
-of course, you DO realize that this is the Marks dream come true. Benoit is main event through and through. It didn't even take a year for the WWF to get him there... WCW had like 5 years.
-Rikishi and the Rock were ready. One will win, one will lose, and one will gorge out on Cheesecake afterwards. I could close my eyes and randomly bang my erect pee pee on the keys and still type out the answers...
-in fact... hang on a sec...bvc m n b b b m *+-mm/ hailsatan
-there... OH MY GOD!!! MY PECKER'S POSSESSED!!!!
-I was wondering why I've been pissing pea soup for the last two weeks.
-commercials
-during the break... UT was walking... ANGRILY. Ross tells us that Mick Foley booked an emergency Kane/UT match tonight
-Kurt Angle come out and joins the Announcers. He pleaded innocence to everything from the UT attack to the failure of Little Nicky (was anyone blaming him?)
-Rikishi comes out... slowly
-Rocky comes out... quickly... because Rikishi came out... slowly.
-They stare down each other in the ring. Tight closeups on their faces. Ross asked what could be going through their minds?
-My best guess... Rocky, "Play my cards right and Austin will get full blame for the ratings dip!"
-Rikishi, "I still have pieces of porceline in my ass from that F-ing collapsed toilet!"
-The bells rings. They go at it. Rocky with the big Sumo drop on Kishi. Meanwhile, Angle announces that his goal is to put the "sports" back into "sports entertainment". (WHAT WAS WRONG WITH THE OLD WAYS???? I LIKED THE OLD WAYS!!!!)
-Rikishi superkicks Rocky.
-Rocky fights back.
-Really, that's about it.
-Rocky hooks up the Sharpshooter. Angle jumps in and clubs him. The Referee is staring out into the crowd for no reason... sees Angle interferring... goes back to staring out into the crwd for no good reason. Sees Angle again Starts to go back to staring out into the crowd for no good reason then realizes that he looks like a damn jackass and then spins around confusingly because he has no idea what to do with this blown spot. Angle leaves... THEN the Ref DQ's Rikishi. It was so bad, I thought the Ref was doing a Heel turn.
-Rikishi attacks Rocky and drops trou on him. It's okay... Rocky's the Black Superman... he'll bounce back no sweat.
-well... he's the SAMOAN Superman.
-commercials
-Footage of which just happened.
-Mick Foley is walking around yelling and searching for "ANGLE!!! ANGLE!!!" There was no angle to be found. I can name about a solid 20 mid-carders who should be running around screaming, "ANGLE!!!! ANGLE!"
-at WWF New York, David Blaine is busy doing the frozen thing. The dude got Madonna, Fiona Apple and a probably SLEW of famous chicks while in Leo's "Pussy Posse"... meanwhile, I can make a pencil stick to the palm of my hand and it ain't getting me DIDDLY SQUAT!!!!!!
-William Regal is lecturing the restaurant crowd on proper manners. He is so appalled by one sloppy dinner than he jams his face in the plate... then calls him a "miserable little toe rag".
-You knew what's cooler than William Regal? Being a FAN of William Regal... much to the shock of marks everywhere!! ("He's so BORING!" He SUCKS!!")
-The announcers get a touch of face time
-Backstage, Deano Malenko makes the moves on a bemused Lita.
-"You know something Lita, I know you, better than you know yourself!" (oh Jesus... I've actually USED that line before... SEVERAL times)
-After hearing the sweet talk... Lita tells Malenko to spank it. (not that crass... but it's nearing the time when I start to pick up the pace and speed through a little)
-Suddenly, the door whaps open and bangs into Lita. Benoit steps out. YEAH!!!!!!!!
-Malenko looked concern. Benoit floored me with, "What? It's just another broad?" then walks away with the rest of the Radicalz.
-The Hardyz showed up. You can guess the rest.
-"It's just another broad"??
-??????
-Do you think... maybe...
-is it at all possible that someone in the WWF actually reads the Mop-Up... and... and...
-COULD THE COOLEST WRESTLER OF THE NEW CENTURY HAVE THE PERSONALITY OF THE COOLEST RECAPPER EVER????
-IS BENOIT WORKING THE HYATTE ATTITUDE????? COULD I BE THAT LUCKY?????
-HOLY SHEEEEEEEIT!!!! NO F-ING WAY!!!!!!!!
-Oh... I doubt it... but wouldn't it be so COOL???
-anyway... Kane's walking... stopping for a sec to take out a hapless security dude. (How come cool stuff like that never happens to Dillenger?)
-commercials
-footage of what just happened... "just another broad"... BWAHAHAHA... oh I LOVE Benoit.
-Kane comes out. Did the second hour thing come on yet? We couldn't possibly STILL be in the first hour, could we?
-The UT rolls out. In a related story, both Emanuel Lewis AND Gary Coleman have both offered their resumes to Kid Rock for the Goofy Midget spot that became available a short time ago.
-UT parked. The second hour JUST ARRIVED???? THIS SHOW IS JUST AN HOUR OLD??? GOD ALMIGHTY!!!!
-F-this man... I am flying for a while... I can't spend all goddam night and day just for you jerkweeds... chances are you are blowing this all off anyway. Yeah... go ahead... yeah, I know... your little butt boy buddy recapper that nobody heard of is much better... yeah right... EAT ME!!
-The match went a little while... then Angle and the Boys ran out and it was a quadruple team. Ross screamed, that if it was one thing he hated, it was hypocrites. I'm sure this was all sorts of inside and I'm SURE I can point out a few of Ross's more famous hypocrisies... but well... I don't feel like it! PFFFTH.
-commercials
-footage of what just happened. You know... combine all of Angle's time tonight with all of Jarrett's... and you've got yourself a solid HOUR of television.
-yeah... I actually did the math... feel free to time it out yourselves and see if I'm wrong.
-A FURIOUS Mick Foley is waiting for Angle and the boys. He SCREAMS at E & C to hit the bricks, then BELLOWS at Angle about being a Hypocrite tonight by noodling his way into 2 big matches.
-"You don't care about the business... YOU CARE ABOUT YOURSELF!!" (by God, get that man to WCW... QUICK!!!!!)
-Angle takes in the scolding... and calmly points out that although it's an honor to be lectured by a guy who's primary move was putting a sock down one's throat... he learned over his first year there that in order to stay the champ, you have to do whatever it takes. Which is exactly what he is doing.
-Foley took all that in, and countered by saying that Angle will defend the belt tonight... against Stone Cold Steve Austin!
-Pops all around.
-RTC came out without GF and Bull Buchanon. Richards got on the mic and said that they will continue to fight the good fight until we all smarten up and shape up and get our heads out of the moral and ethical cesspool and begin to live life as decent, upstanding adults. (okay... so long as we can still smoke the occasional joint)
-Road Dogg and K-Kwick step out. What a coincidence... so do I!
-commercials
-We see Smackdown footage where Tiger Ali Sing sent a pie into Steve Blackman's face. He also burned the U.S Flag and called America "the Scum of the West"... but it was the pie that really teed off Blackman.
-outside, Foley took in some fresh air and stewed away. Debra came out to bring him back in.
-suddenly, Tiger Sing and Lo Down appeared. Tiger DEMANDED that Lo Down get some respect. Debra stepped in and laid down some laws on respecting authoritah... (oh MAN... define "Bottom of the Ladder": When you get to take orders from DEBRA)
-Foley decided that Tiger WILL get his title match tonight. Sing was quite pleased by this. They walked into the building...
-except for D-Lo and Chazz. See, this will be Ali Sing against Steve Blackman for the Hardcore title. You know... give Jamie Farr a MASSIVE downsizing of the nose and... well... you've got Tiger!
-you really, really do...
-of course... you don't NEED me to point out which MOVIE(s) featured Farr as a filthy rich Arab... do you?
-oh please... don't tell me you actually forgot... or are too young...
-*guitar riff*...
-whattaya see when you've seen it all?
-see it
-whattaya feel when you've felt it all?
-feel it
-whattaya do when you've... done it ALL?
-ball
-Cannonball...
-cannonball
-Cannonball.... CANNONBALL...
-IT'S NOT WHAT YOU DO, IT'S HOW YOU DOOOO IT!! BE ANYTHING YOU WANT TO BE!!! IT'S NOT WHAT YOU USE, IT'S HOW YOU UUUUSE IT!! YOU BE YOU AND I'LL BE ME IT'S JUST A MATTER OF STYYYYYYYYYLE YYYLE YOU CAN'T TAKE IT... MILE AFTER MILE, FEELING GREAT... IF YOU GOT THE SOOOOOOOHOOOOOOUUUL YOU CAN MAKE IT!!!! MOVE 'EM OUT move 'em out LET 'EM ROLL let 'em roll... FROM SEA TO SHINING SEEEEEE HEEEEEE HEEEA!!! BALL... ball CANNONBALL.
-CANNONBALL!!!! CANNONBALL!!! WHOOOOOHOOOO HO!
-"Officer... I sincerly hope... you're not a Catholic"
-"God is our Co-Pilot"?
-"That's right"
-*slap* "Where's he gonna sit? Where?"
-DagGONE the flick ruled. I wish I had that song.
-Meanwhile, the 3 Radicalz who didn't work yet took on the Hardyz and Chris Jericho
-Jericho snagged the Walled on Malenko and got a tap out. Eddie G ran out, but Jericho Walled him too. Terri grabbed his hair. Matt Hardy grabbed hers she tried to kick him, but he caught her and shoved her down. Jeff went for the Senton, but Malenko and Saturn stopped it. Benoit got Jericho in the Crossface. The Radicalz went to town on the three boys. So long as Benoit keeps showing signs of "Hyatte"... I am one happy pedofile.
-Austin is strapping on his knee braces.
-Blackman is whacking the Hell out of a padded thing held by Al Snow. He knocks the thing away and beats the living snot out of the oxygen a scant inch away from Snow's face. He walks away. Snow declares Blackman as "ready"
-commercials
-E & C try to pump up Angle.
-they dust off Tiger Ali Sing's theme music. Tiger comes out still in his suit...
-Blackman comes out.
-Blackman chases Tiger around the ring... then does the old backtrack and catches him with a kick, head on.
-There was a funny bit where Blackman pulled out his sticks... then posed in the middle of the ring. Tiger, holding onto the corner ropes for dear life, tried to swat at Blackman with his garbage can lid. It was good for a snort, one shit, and three solid giggles.
-Blackman got Tiger's turban off... then walked him with the Kendo stick on the bean and took the pin. Yer typical, average bitchslap.
-backstage, E & C assures Angle that as soon as he's done beating Austin they'll be waiting for him right there.
-The Rock had different ideas... he attacked the kids. Foley and the WWF Officials charged out. A STEAMING Foley through Rocky out of the building, threw E & C somewhere... and physically SHOVED Angle out towards the arena proper for his match. That old fart Jack Tunney NEVER did that!
-commercials
-we are shown what just happened again. (huh)
-Angle entered the ring.
-Austin came out. All four corners got a pose.
-The vest came out... the bell rang... off we go.
-Collar/elbow tie up leads to some ground work from Angle. He popped back up to his feet and was all like, "That's it, baby!". Austin stood up with a smirk on his face.
-Angle popped out of the ring and showed off his gold medals. Ross barked, "THIS AIN'T ATLANTA!!! THIS AIN'T 1996!!!" Lawler, like myself and the rest of the audience, needed a second to figure out that Ross wasn't talking about WCW.
-Austin with a side headlock. A SIDE HEADLOCK??????
-A SIDE HEADLOCK?????
-A SIDE????
-HEADLOCK????
-Angle tries a back suplex to break out. Austin holds onto the Headlock.
-A side headlock. Wow...
-WHEN WILL AUSTIN BREAK OUT THE "HOLLYWOOD AND VINE"? SCREW IT!! LET'S BRING IT ALL BACK!!!! HOW ABOUT "THAT'S A WRAP"?
-Much like the Benoit deal, I can't help but wonder if someone read my "AAT" column about the dream I had where Austin just punches everyone from here on out? I'd love to think so, but my utter lack of self-esteem says otherwise.
-Angle and Austin play a little mat game. Suplexes... rollups... slams... lock ups.
-Austin tried a sleeperhold. Angle sent him outside.
-Back inside, Kurt puts on the "Abdominal Stretch"... which is STILL the lamest move ever.
-Austin hip tosses out of it. He goes for a big elbow. Angle rolls away and puts on another Stretch.
-Okay, Austin gets more natural. Angle is bounced off the Announce table.
-Back in the ring, Angle tries to slip out. Austin grabs him. We get the Lou Thesz Press (Okay... the Abdominal Stretch is the SECOND lamest move in the sport)
-Stephanie McMahon struts out. Austin sees her and flashes the sign of the Four Horsemen, well, minus Tully, Flair, and whoever occupied the Fourth spot... be it Ole, or Luger, or Windham, or Pillman, or Mongo, or Roma, or Sting, or Joe Momma.
-Angle tried to roll up Austin from behind. Austin kicked out.
-Austin hit the stunner.. he went for the pin.
-A remarkably healthy looking HHH charged out and beat the living crap out of Austin. Including a Neckbreaker on a chair that looked a bit too close for comfort.
-The show ends with HHH and Stephanie standing over Austin... HHH was so mad, his cheeks were RIPPLING from the force of the air exhaling out of his mouth. (and that's MAD!!)
Umm.. so, everyone's making a fuss about how HHH should be DEAD after the force of that car drop... yet, there he was, alive and well.
Well, I see it like this. Their goal was to show that Austin was totally consumed with rage and bloodlust... so they had to sort of over-exagerrate the payback. I actually didn't mind it... and I get a chuckle out of those who do.
Pick your spots better, guys. There is a LOT of stuff happening in the WWF that's more worrisome. They are going down certain paths here that nobody should be too happy about.
Anyway, check out Nitro, if you hadn't already. It's still Tuesday, by the way. I'm getting GOOD.
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